sadness

 i am very sad, someone was trying to help me last night andI yelled and got angry.. I don't want to be that person. I couldn't find chris after I threw up and then I got sad and cried. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel the need to always be with him or something bad is happening?/? I just want to be a happy person that everyone wants to be around. I don't want to judge and I want to stop worrying and crying. I want to stop making chris upset. I want to be a better girlfriend. I don't want to be the sad girl at parties or the mean/angry one. I want to be the girl everyone walks into the room an dsmiles and laughs and I used to be but now I am just not. Is it my clothes? Is it my hair?AM I dumb? what are these questions? Why did I cry last night? I knew I made chris mad but I couldn't find him.. I was alone throwing up… no one was helping me… where is my friend to help me. I don't need help. I just need to be more independent I think.



edit: I wrote a lot of things that helped me let go and be free. I deleted it because it was rageful and not true. It made me feel better but it is not needed anymore. 

Note: I hate deleting any writing but sometimes it must be done.