Peppers

I'm eating green peppers. One of my favorite foods.

Last night we joined together and began again. There was only a few of us their. Mostly great friends but a couple of new ones. WE had the best time,,,, stayed up all night. Loved each other…
THIS is what it is all about. It is not about going to a festival of trying to prove you can do this or that. It is about staying up for hours talking about literature poetry science the world music love and people. Its talking about your past no judgement just happiness. Its talking about making a difference but never speaking those words. This is the new generation the next beats the dharma bums… make me a bodhisattva. i think i am becoming it. We need to go out buy a press and start writing, just writing every single thing down. This is the way this is how it should be. Their hasn't been a moment I have been more alive continually happiness. I was in a deep sadness for two days. I put pressure on myself i didn't see the light/. Im grateful this only happens to me a couple of times a year. Everyone falls but that is the way. 

"The soul unfolds itself like a lotus of countless petals"

I have never heard anything more beautiful. Except maybe the way you look at me or the way your eyes melt. When did I fall in love? the moment I saw you playing at a coffee shop when I couldn't even look at you because you were so beautiful. I looked at my friend hannah and I could tell she thought I was crazy and I didn't even speak a word. I was speechless. The energy, the energy. 

Enlightenment: is a hard thing to describe. I had to do it once for a project in the spring. I think it is the knowledge that you know everything is perfect. It is exactly perfect. It is a combination of synchronicity, love, and most importantly a devotion to contentment and commitment to grow. 

sadness

 i am very sad, someone was trying to help me last night andI yelled and got angry.. I don't want to be that person. I couldn't find chris after I threw up and then I got sad and cried. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel the need to always be with him or something bad is happening?/? I just want to be a happy person that everyone wants to be around. I don't want to judge and I want to stop worrying and crying. I want to stop making chris upset. I want to be a better girlfriend. I don't want to be the sad girl at parties or the mean/angry one. I want to be the girl everyone walks into the room an dsmiles and laughs and I used to be but now I am just not. Is it my clothes? Is it my hair?AM I dumb? what are these questions? Why did I cry last night? I knew I made chris mad but I couldn't find him.. I was alone throwing up… no one was helping me… where is my friend to help me. I don't need help. I just need to be more independent I think.



edit: I wrote a lot of things that helped me let go and be free. I deleted it because it was rageful and not true. It made me feel better but it is not needed anymore. 

Note: I hate deleting any writing but sometimes it must be done.