Yeah

Oh but I wanted you even then... An instant attraction complete gravitational pull I just suppressed it for a while because I'm a good girl but now that it's free I don't want to hold back ... I like you 

I am sad but happy. Why do I feel so lame? I just wish I was the only girl in the world that you ever looked at. You make me feel amazing and beautiful but am I good enough? I hope so: I just want to be the one who you want to stay with forever 

I wish my dancing at school was more legit but everyone is just kinda mean and I'm only in one dance.... Is it my fault

Thanksgiving is coming up? What are you thankful for... I don't know I wish I would have gone to that party I wish you wouldn't have left I wish you would surprise me with flowers and say that I'm the only thing that matters but of course you are in other words in other ways in the most simple way with no words just the way you act 

Women and men

The idea that a woman can not defend herself. The idea that woman must bow down to the man. No it is not said yes it is implied. Men must come and pick us up because we are helpless little creatures. When men are to short we must not date them, women must never argue with a man even when he is making her feel terrible or unloved. If she does speak her mind that woman is crazy and is thought to be over emotional. Like it's a bad thing that she notices you looking at other women and she calls you out on it. But you are overreacting, you are looked at like a crazy girlfriend. And when you stop dating so you can be with that other girl you are now the crazy ex girlfriend. And then the competition really starts and the women now fight for the man on an even higher level. A man who thinks he can degrade a woman but still get love at night a man who thinks he can be an asshole in a relationship than expect you to stay forever. And the man!!! Oh the man he feels upset he can't express himself he feels mad he can not act shy but what are the mans dangers? Oh he will be seen as an effeminate and be looked down upon. But will he? Will his friends really say wow johnnie you cry so we will Laugh at you?! No his friends will say we understand we all have had a crazy girlfriend that has dumped us. Women are supposed to use another guy to get over the other guy that "cared" that saw then as an equal. As you notice I have not said I because this isn't about me this is about YOU and how you YOU YOU YOU LET IT HAPPEN you the person that goes back to the same guy YOU who calls that girl a slut or that guy an asshole and insane YOU YOU crazy girl for thinking you are a princess when you are actually a king and there are no subjects because we are the subjects being told we are more and can't break free because of our government that creates  the videos we see and the barbies we play with YOU who think that anything will change while you fuck seven guys and just say "I'm just having fun" like they are play things YOU who thinks that tinder is funny and grinder is fun to mess with guys and girls "because we all came here one thing... To have fun to laugh" YOYOUOYOYOUYOUYOU 

Hello

Hello good people.... I will try to update as much as possible. I feel bad not writing more, I need and want it. 

Sexuality: 

The human is a vessel for the soul and when we are born we are clean and pure. Society has taken us to a new level of patriarchy and hate, by encoding in us a rich sense of condemnation and guilt. The guilt of a female and how she is perceived. The shame and abuse. If you think feminism is stupid I dare you to try to argue with me. It makes up everything we are. Maybe you are alright with big fat white men deciding our lives but I'm not. Who makes those music videos that exploit women?? White men? I could go on but I'm tired and angry. I just hate the way our system is, and the alternative is even hard to imagine. Women and men can desire each other of course it's a part of life but lately it seems like the woman is a silhouette or a shell and just used for the man. She is a shadow and used for many things but still not highly regarded. What is the alternative?? Their is none, but maybe someday 

excitement

I grow very excited for the school year, but also nervous for time. Time to relax, time to sing, time to work, and time to breathe.

I know it will fly by to quickly, i know i will be present in all.

Please don't forget me

i don't want to leave

i don't want to leave but i have to and i want to. How can i stop crying? I don't want to lose summer i don't want to grow old. But it is happening and i can't stop it i don't want to die….. but it is happening and i can't stop it. i and crying for the people I've met this summer and who ill never see again… i am crying for the best summer I've had and i don't want to leave why is change hard for me… i am crying because i don't want to leave my best friend anymore… i hardly saw my nanny this summer and it killls me and i hardly hung out with my brother and it kills me. will he be okay? i will never know, will i be ok? i will never know. I am so happy tis summer happened and all the things that came with it.
I loved mac demarco and buffalo
Vibes let me live. I
I loved all the parties, i loved all of the beach.
I loved being without cell phone service
I hate packing,. I hate this life I'm forced to live
Why can't i just travel and not be in debt but still make something of myself.

i love my school i am just sad and i know i will be fine i just need to be water

The new moon falls upon us
we can hardly see the sky
the moon has gone away
but not the heaviness in our hearts

the life that pulls you and the life that is inside you

the love for change but the hatred of working for it may never stop

to all the people that carried me in their hearts
ill be seeing you

Peppers

I'm eating green peppers. One of my favorite foods.

Last night we joined together and began again. There was only a few of us their. Mostly great friends but a couple of new ones. WE had the best time,,,, stayed up all night. Loved each other…
THIS is what it is all about. It is not about going to a festival of trying to prove you can do this or that. It is about staying up for hours talking about literature poetry science the world music love and people. Its talking about your past no judgement just happiness. Its talking about making a difference but never speaking those words. This is the new generation the next beats the dharma bums… make me a bodhisattva. i think i am becoming it. We need to go out buy a press and start writing, just writing every single thing down. This is the way this is how it should be. Their hasn't been a moment I have been more alive continually happiness. I was in a deep sadness for two days. I put pressure on myself i didn't see the light/. Im grateful this only happens to me a couple of times a year. Everyone falls but that is the way. 

"The soul unfolds itself like a lotus of countless petals"

I have never heard anything more beautiful. Except maybe the way you look at me or the way your eyes melt. When did I fall in love? the moment I saw you playing at a coffee shop when I couldn't even look at you because you were so beautiful. I looked at my friend hannah and I could tell she thought I was crazy and I didn't even speak a word. I was speechless. The energy, the energy. 

Enlightenment: is a hard thing to describe. I had to do it once for a project in the spring. I think it is the knowledge that you know everything is perfect. It is exactly perfect. It is a combination of synchronicity, love, and most importantly a devotion to contentment and commitment to grow. 

sadness

 i am very sad, someone was trying to help me last night andI yelled and got angry.. I don't want to be that person. I couldn't find chris after I threw up and then I got sad and cried. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel the need to always be with him or something bad is happening?/? I just want to be a happy person that everyone wants to be around. I don't want to judge and I want to stop worrying and crying. I want to stop making chris upset. I want to be a better girlfriend. I don't want to be the sad girl at parties or the mean/angry one. I want to be the girl everyone walks into the room an dsmiles and laughs and I used to be but now I am just not. Is it my clothes? Is it my hair?AM I dumb? what are these questions? Why did I cry last night? I knew I made chris mad but I couldn't find him.. I was alone throwing up… no one was helping me… where is my friend to help me. I don't need help. I just need to be more independent I think.



edit: I wrote a lot of things that helped me let go and be free. I deleted it because it was rageful and not true. It made me feel better but it is not needed anymore. 

Note: I hate deleting any writing but sometimes it must be done.

Poetry

For funs I will include some poetry that have been workshopped and poems that I am in love with. IN LOVE with my own poetry. That's write. It happens. But really any comments would be enjoyed or helpful criticism. Some were thought carefully and some never looked at but once :).

Rising Appalachia

The path is never easy to find

Rising Appalachia: it moves swiftly 

Sun or rain, the stones shift and the mountain roars

The fire burns brightly in the sky 

No one can see it but me

Maybe I am just a star

Does the tree fall if no one is around to hear it?

Listening is key.

Seeing is not believing. 

If you opened up your ears,

the silence would call your name

Uprooted

The ground is shaking

I can’t feel the stones

I feel uprooted

It goes into my bones

My mind wanders and I can’t see the light

Where should I sleep tonight?

How can I plant my roots,

When my home is in you?

The seeds already planted

It will forever grow

Please don’t forget to stand in the rain 

Yin/Yang

A love poem

I remember when I saw the moon

Only looking at me

The motionless wave

finally crashed 

The tides aligned 

The sun smiled

You must be the moon

Because I am the water

I only move for you

But without me

You would be pointless

Mirror neurons

The light in me honors 

the light in you

I see the reflection

it can not be true 

My pulse raises my affection

now I can finally see

The love I have for you

comes within me 

Empathy is the gurus way

It is the path we all follow

The brain sees you

Seeing me 

The mirrors are never out of reach 

The Dream—DMT?

I had this really weird dream worth writing here (about a week ago)
Note: I have very vivid dreams and usually remember at least 2 a night, I can recall small details, and when dreams change. I have had psychic thoughts about dreams… i have astral projected( nothing crazy just down the block)…
I only controlled my dreams once and I did not enjoy it, I like to see where my dreams take me : A control in its own matter:


….. I was dropped off at a train track, they pushed me out. I was very confused and scared. Sirens were going of and I was freaking out. I saw a train coming towards me on the track but also people in military cars coming towards me too. i was faced with a decision to either get on the train maybe die trying. Get captured by cars. i ran and it was scary. Don't remember anything after that

I was in a house and with Chris and a bunch of people from work. My own manager was there and we were having a nice chat. Karisa was there and chris and her went to go outside and get the car ready. My manager made me do something like clean.
After i ran all over the house to try and find chris and marisa I went into the attic and basement and getting more and more scared. When I got to where the people were at my manager told me that chris hd been waiting an hour outside. I was panicked. I ran outside and this longer looking car was there. 3 people were in the front seat, driver I do not recognize. Chris was one passenger, they all yell at me for being late. Karisa is not in my dream anymore. I try to get into the care and they say whoa whoa what are you doing. This car can't fit all of us. We have to go in the bus. We go into this bus that has no seats rather wooden floors. All I see is chris and two LED hoops. Chris stands and plays with these hoops while the bus is moving. The bus is going through space and time and I am not thinking about it at all, no idea where or what we are going to. I look at one hoop and notice that it is only working in a half circle lighting up. i am fixated on this problem and don't understand.

WE get to the place. I don't see chris at all again. I go into this room and there all these forest looking people, It looks like a festival party, I am fascinated with this woodlin girl. she has black hair and has vines in it. Everyone seems very happy and having fun. I see my good friend dylan and we are so happy. Soon everyone gathers around this giant TV like mega TV. we are all sitting at wooden long tables that are high up and high bar stools to sit on. WE were to watch a movie. I have no idea whats on the TV all I see is lines of people and dylan far down the table. the next table over the girl is sitting at. At this moment my dream view pans around and I realize
How hard I am tripping. I am freaking out I start to like inward freak out like holy shit I am tripping right now what is going on. It isn't very scary but It was just like a wave because in my dream I was "conscious" and would have remembered taking something
but nope it was happening. I quickly forgot and went over to the woodlin lady. I sat next to her even though we were supposed to be quiet and watch the TV. She asks me to come with her.

I go with her and we float and she tells me how she can only visit them when it is rainy and tonight is a rainy night. She tells me I will understand. So we fly through fucking space and time to this park and she lays down a blanket and I am like um I'm sorry what. and she says how no one can see us. I look around everything looks sorta gray like old timey and everyone is having picnics around we are at a park. She tells me to relax and I realize in that moment that this wooden fairy is dead and then I go into her view and I see her watching two children from a corner in a house while they sleep. At this point I don't have any recollection of myself being in the dream anymore. The last thing I remember is watching the two children from like her view or off to the side.

AND THEN I WAKE UP because I think I got really scared and woke myself up. Okay so what does this even mean…. All I know is that lady I was fascinated with was definitely dead and did I go to heaven? How did I travel.? and why were some friends on the bus but didn't make it to the "heaven"? How did I realize I was tripping? Does my first dream with the train have anything to do with this dream? Very odd…. one of my most crazy dreams but not uncommon.Is it true you can reach DMT in a dream because this is the only thing I can think of it being? or I have some weird imagination



the choices
the choice to run.
The choice to get on the track of life or be captured by the people most feared
Where could I run, I would surely die


I have no protection I only escaped in my mind, to a place I felt safe

The illusion of safety
The safest place is the mind but how can you know when you barely use it
How can we feel safe in a thing we do not understand at all

Empathy is programmed in you, did you know that? Some people have it more; a lot have it less but it is there
And thats what matters
Thats the thought that counts
It is there.
It was put there, or evolved there or just happened to be there
But proven living breathing programmed empathy
Can you feel me?

Deserve

Time may change me but I can't change time
… a song by that one guy

I think my hardest block is dealing with disloyal people. I have every reason in the world to never trust anyone ever. Mostly from family issues, but the universe has given me a forgiving soul and I just always see the best in people and never want to believe they could be mean. Not a sense of gullible but more of a hope for tenacity between souls. I want the stretch to hurt at first but the muscles to feel even stronger after.

I think my hatred is more to how you think people deserve certain things.

I will never deserve anything. In the best way possible. You make what you want in life and who are you to judge who deserves to travel or get this new thing or become friends with certain someone. How is your merit the best that you can judge who deserves what? For someone who doesn't believe in god you sure act like one. You deserve a beautiful life but the weight that you carry in your hand holds you down and the selfishness in your heart. You are a new soul that could be everything but has turned its back

"I feel like everybody here is just waiting to die"

something someone said to me… I don't even like the concept. Maybe its because I have an optimistic diposition or maybe I don't think about death… I have no fear. 

"Growing old is a privilege, denied  to many"

How can you be waiting?
We are all waiting
I am hopeful,
I am in the line
I accept the fate
I hope I endure the rain and leave it behind

Dreams

MY dreams are bigger than life. If that is possible… not. Ha i want to do so many things and meet so many people. It'll be a miracle if i can do it, but hey, who needs a miracle.

Aspirations (will update)


Travel
Have a kitten
Be an Anthropologist
Love deeply
Do more yoga
Do more hooping
Move
Stay
Become a tea pot
Be a barista forever
Leave negative people behind

Quiet

The idea of being quiet is a weird concept and not understood by many. When I want to be quiet, I just have a sense of calm and reflection throughout the day but usually it escalates to sadness and escalated emotions. Why does this happen? Why must you always talk and why can't you be comfortable in your own shell. I see the hypocrisy and the games and it only makes me sad; no anger. I do not want to live like that. But I'm flying in it. Every cloud I see I must touch, but it disappears into vapor. The emptiness of the cloud is hidden by the illusion of form. We need to quiet our minds to see this and I routinely go through days when I do not want to speak to anyone. And its not out of anger, but rather a sense of I MUST be quiet, there is no try it just happens. My higher consciousness knows this and must be trying to tell me something.

Judgement

The judgement makes me want to be quiet. Who are you to say what is good and bad, who are you to say "You must not sing or fly, you must stay grounded". You are a species of judgement and a generation that must be stopped. My own generation must be stopped. Maybe you just need to taste freedom for a moment and I always try to reach out. One day you will soar, nonetheless I do not pity you because I am already a thousand leagues away and you will be a distant shore soon enough.