I'm eating green peppers. One of my favorite foods.
Last night we joined together and began again. There was only a few of us their. Mostly great friends but a couple of new ones. WE had the best time,,,, stayed up all night. Loved each other…
THIS is what it is all about. It is not about going to a festival of trying to prove you can do this or that. It is about staying up for hours talking about literature poetry science the world music love and people. Its talking about your past no judgement just happiness. Its talking about making a difference but never speaking those words. This is the new generation the next beats the dharma bums… make me a bodhisattva. i think i am becoming it. We need to go out buy a press and start writing, just writing every single thing down. This is the way this is how it should be. Their hasn't been a moment I have been more alive continually happiness. I was in a deep sadness for two days. I put pressure on myself i didn't see the light/. Im grateful this only happens to me a couple of times a year. Everyone falls but that is the way.
"The soul unfolds itself like a lotus of countless petals"
I have never heard anything more beautiful. Except maybe the way you look at me or the way your eyes melt. When did I fall in love? the moment I saw you playing at a coffee shop when I couldn't even look at you because you were so beautiful. I looked at my friend hannah and I could tell she thought I was crazy and I didn't even speak a word. I was speechless. The energy, the energy.
Enlightenment: is a hard thing to describe. I had to do it once for a project in the spring. I think it is the knowledge that you know everything is perfect. It is exactly perfect. It is a combination of synchronicity, love, and most importantly a devotion to contentment and commitment to grow.
Monday, July 14, 2014
Sunday, July 13, 2014
sadness
i am very sad, someone was trying to help me last night andI yelled and got angry.. I don't want to be that person. I couldn't find chris after I threw up and then I got sad and cried. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel the need to always be with him or something bad is happening?/? I just want to be a happy person that everyone wants to be around. I don't want to judge and I want to stop worrying and crying. I want to stop making chris upset. I want to be a better girlfriend. I don't want to be the sad girl at parties or the mean/angry one. I want to be the girl everyone walks into the room an dsmiles and laughs and I used to be but now I am just not. Is it my clothes? Is it my hair?AM I dumb? what are these questions? Why did I cry last night? I knew I made chris mad but I couldn't find him.. I was alone throwing up… no one was helping me… where is my friend to help me. I don't need help. I just need to be more independent I think.
edit: I wrote a lot of things that helped me let go and be free. I deleted it because it was rageful and not true. It made me feel better but it is not needed anymore.
Note: I hate deleting any writing but sometimes it must be done.
edit: I wrote a lot of things that helped me let go and be free. I deleted it because it was rageful and not true. It made me feel better but it is not needed anymore.
Note: I hate deleting any writing but sometimes it must be done.
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Poetry
For funs I will include some poetry that have been workshopped and poems that I am in love with. IN LOVE with my own poetry. That's write. It happens. But really any comments would be enjoyed or helpful criticism. Some were thought carefully and some never looked at but once :).
Rising Appalachia
The path is never easy to find
Rising Appalachia: it moves swiftly
Sun or rain, the stones shift and the mountain roars
The fire burns brightly in the sky
No one can see it but me
Maybe I am just a star
Does the tree fall if no one is around to hear it?
Listening is key.
Seeing is not believing.
If you opened up your ears,
the silence would call your name
Uprooted
The ground is shaking
I can’t feel the stones
I feel uprooted
It goes into my bones
My mind wanders and I can’t see the light
Where should I sleep tonight?
How can I plant my roots,
When my home is in you?
The seeds already planted
It will forever grow
Please don’t forget to stand in the rain
Yin/Yang
A love poem
I remember when I saw the moon
Only looking at me
The motionless wave
finally crashed
The tides aligned
The sun smiled
You must be the moon
Because I am the water
I only move for you
But without me
You would be pointless
Mirror neurons
The light in me honors
the light in you
I see the reflection
it can not be true
My pulse raises my affection
now I can finally see
The love I have for you
comes within me
Empathy is the gurus way
It is the path we all follow
The brain sees you
Seeing me
The mirrors are never out of reach
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
The Dream—DMT?
I had this really weird dream worth writing here (about a week ago)
Note: I have very vivid dreams and usually remember at least 2 a night, I can recall small details, and when dreams change. I have had psychic thoughts about dreams… i have astral projected( nothing crazy just down the block)…
I only controlled my dreams once and I did not enjoy it, I like to see where my dreams take me : A control in its own matter:
….. I was dropped off at a train track, they pushed me out. I was very confused and scared. Sirens were going of and I was freaking out. I saw a train coming towards me on the track but also people in military cars coming towards me too. i was faced with a decision to either get on the train maybe die trying. Get captured by cars. i ran and it was scary. Don't remember anything after that
I was in a house and with Chris and a bunch of people from work. My own manager was there and we were having a nice chat. Karisa was there and chris and her went to go outside and get the car ready. My manager made me do something like clean.
After i ran all over the house to try and find chris and marisa I went into the attic and basement and getting more and more scared. When I got to where the people were at my manager told me that chris hd been waiting an hour outside. I was panicked. I ran outside and this longer looking car was there. 3 people were in the front seat, driver I do not recognize. Chris was one passenger, they all yell at me for being late. Karisa is not in my dream anymore. I try to get into the care and they say whoa whoa what are you doing. This car can't fit all of us. We have to go in the bus. We go into this bus that has no seats rather wooden floors. All I see is chris and two LED hoops. Chris stands and plays with these hoops while the bus is moving. The bus is going through space and time and I am not thinking about it at all, no idea where or what we are going to. I look at one hoop and notice that it is only working in a half circle lighting up. i am fixated on this problem and don't understand.
WE get to the place. I don't see chris at all again. I go into this room and there all these forest looking people, It looks like a festival party, I am fascinated with this woodlin girl. she has black hair and has vines in it. Everyone seems very happy and having fun. I see my good friend dylan and we are so happy. Soon everyone gathers around this giant TV like mega TV. we are all sitting at wooden long tables that are high up and high bar stools to sit on. WE were to watch a movie. I have no idea whats on the TV all I see is lines of people and dylan far down the table. the next table over the girl is sitting at. At this moment my dream view pans around and I realize
How hard I am tripping. I am freaking out I start to like inward freak out like holy shit I am tripping right now what is going on. It isn't very scary but It was just like a wave because in my dream I was "conscious" and would have remembered taking something
but nope it was happening. I quickly forgot and went over to the woodlin lady. I sat next to her even though we were supposed to be quiet and watch the TV. She asks me to come with her.
I go with her and we float and she tells me how she can only visit them when it is rainy and tonight is a rainy night. She tells me I will understand. So we fly through fucking space and time to this park and she lays down a blanket and I am like um I'm sorry what. and she says how no one can see us. I look around everything looks sorta gray like old timey and everyone is having picnics around we are at a park. She tells me to relax and I realize in that moment that this wooden fairy is dead and then I go into her view and I see her watching two children from a corner in a house while they sleep. At this point I don't have any recollection of myself being in the dream anymore. The last thing I remember is watching the two children from like her view or off to the side.
AND THEN I WAKE UP because I think I got really scared and woke myself up. Okay so what does this even mean…. All I know is that lady I was fascinated with was definitely dead and did I go to heaven? How did I travel.? and why were some friends on the bus but didn't make it to the "heaven"? How did I realize I was tripping? Does my first dream with the train have anything to do with this dream? Very odd…. one of my most crazy dreams but not uncommon.Is it true you can reach DMT in a dream because this is the only thing I can think of it being? or I have some weird imagination
the choices
the choice to run.
The choice to get on the track of life or be captured by the people most feared
Where could I run, I would surely die
I have no protection I only escaped in my mind, to a place I felt safe
The illusion of safety
The safest place is the mind but how can you know when you barely use it
How can we feel safe in a thing we do not understand at all
Empathy is programmed in you, did you know that? Some people have it more; a lot have it less but it is there
And thats what matters
Thats the thought that counts
It is there.
It was put there, or evolved there or just happened to be there
But proven living breathing programmed empathy
Can you feel me?
Note: I have very vivid dreams and usually remember at least 2 a night, I can recall small details, and when dreams change. I have had psychic thoughts about dreams… i have astral projected( nothing crazy just down the block)…
I only controlled my dreams once and I did not enjoy it, I like to see where my dreams take me : A control in its own matter:
….. I was dropped off at a train track, they pushed me out. I was very confused and scared. Sirens were going of and I was freaking out. I saw a train coming towards me on the track but also people in military cars coming towards me too. i was faced with a decision to either get on the train maybe die trying. Get captured by cars. i ran and it was scary. Don't remember anything after that
I was in a house and with Chris and a bunch of people from work. My own manager was there and we were having a nice chat. Karisa was there and chris and her went to go outside and get the car ready. My manager made me do something like clean.
After i ran all over the house to try and find chris and marisa I went into the attic and basement and getting more and more scared. When I got to where the people were at my manager told me that chris hd been waiting an hour outside. I was panicked. I ran outside and this longer looking car was there. 3 people were in the front seat, driver I do not recognize. Chris was one passenger, they all yell at me for being late. Karisa is not in my dream anymore. I try to get into the care and they say whoa whoa what are you doing. This car can't fit all of us. We have to go in the bus. We go into this bus that has no seats rather wooden floors. All I see is chris and two LED hoops. Chris stands and plays with these hoops while the bus is moving. The bus is going through space and time and I am not thinking about it at all, no idea where or what we are going to. I look at one hoop and notice that it is only working in a half circle lighting up. i am fixated on this problem and don't understand.
WE get to the place. I don't see chris at all again. I go into this room and there all these forest looking people, It looks like a festival party, I am fascinated with this woodlin girl. she has black hair and has vines in it. Everyone seems very happy and having fun. I see my good friend dylan and we are so happy. Soon everyone gathers around this giant TV like mega TV. we are all sitting at wooden long tables that are high up and high bar stools to sit on. WE were to watch a movie. I have no idea whats on the TV all I see is lines of people and dylan far down the table. the next table over the girl is sitting at. At this moment my dream view pans around and I realize
How hard I am tripping. I am freaking out I start to like inward freak out like holy shit I am tripping right now what is going on. It isn't very scary but It was just like a wave because in my dream I was "conscious" and would have remembered taking something
but nope it was happening. I quickly forgot and went over to the woodlin lady. I sat next to her even though we were supposed to be quiet and watch the TV. She asks me to come with her.
I go with her and we float and she tells me how she can only visit them when it is rainy and tonight is a rainy night. She tells me I will understand. So we fly through fucking space and time to this park and she lays down a blanket and I am like um I'm sorry what. and she says how no one can see us. I look around everything looks sorta gray like old timey and everyone is having picnics around we are at a park. She tells me to relax and I realize in that moment that this wooden fairy is dead and then I go into her view and I see her watching two children from a corner in a house while they sleep. At this point I don't have any recollection of myself being in the dream anymore. The last thing I remember is watching the two children from like her view or off to the side.
AND THEN I WAKE UP because I think I got really scared and woke myself up. Okay so what does this even mean…. All I know is that lady I was fascinated with was definitely dead and did I go to heaven? How did I travel.? and why were some friends on the bus but didn't make it to the "heaven"? How did I realize I was tripping? Does my first dream with the train have anything to do with this dream? Very odd…. one of my most crazy dreams but not uncommon.Is it true you can reach DMT in a dream because this is the only thing I can think of it being? or I have some weird imagination
the choices
the choice to run.
The choice to get on the track of life or be captured by the people most feared
Where could I run, I would surely die
I have no protection I only escaped in my mind, to a place I felt safe
The illusion of safety
The safest place is the mind but how can you know when you barely use it
How can we feel safe in a thing we do not understand at all
Empathy is programmed in you, did you know that? Some people have it more; a lot have it less but it is there
And thats what matters
Thats the thought that counts
It is there.
It was put there, or evolved there or just happened to be there
But proven living breathing programmed empathy
Can you feel me?
Deserve
Time may change me but I can't change time
… a song by that one guy
I think my hardest block is dealing with disloyal people. I have every reason in the world to never trust anyone ever. Mostly from family issues, but the universe has given me a forgiving soul and I just always see the best in people and never want to believe they could be mean. Not a sense of gullible but more of a hope for tenacity between souls. I want the stretch to hurt at first but the muscles to feel even stronger after.
I think my hatred is more to how you think people deserve certain things.
I will never deserve anything. In the best way possible. You make what you want in life and who are you to judge who deserves to travel or get this new thing or become friends with certain someone. How is your merit the best that you can judge who deserves what? For someone who doesn't believe in god you sure act like one. You deserve a beautiful life but the weight that you carry in your hand holds you down and the selfishness in your heart. You are a new soul that could be everything but has turned its back
… a song by that one guy
I think my hardest block is dealing with disloyal people. I have every reason in the world to never trust anyone ever. Mostly from family issues, but the universe has given me a forgiving soul and I just always see the best in people and never want to believe they could be mean. Not a sense of gullible but more of a hope for tenacity between souls. I want the stretch to hurt at first but the muscles to feel even stronger after.
I think my hatred is more to how you think people deserve certain things.
I will never deserve anything. In the best way possible. You make what you want in life and who are you to judge who deserves to travel or get this new thing or become friends with certain someone. How is your merit the best that you can judge who deserves what? For someone who doesn't believe in god you sure act like one. You deserve a beautiful life but the weight that you carry in your hand holds you down and the selfishness in your heart. You are a new soul that could be everything but has turned its back
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
"I feel like everybody here is just waiting to die"
something someone said to me… I don't even like the concept. Maybe its because I have an optimistic diposition or maybe I don't think about death… I have no fear.
"Growing old is a privilege, denied to many"
How can you be waiting?
We are all waiting
I am hopeful,
I am in the line
I accept the fate
I hope I endure the rain and leave it behind
"Growing old is a privilege, denied to many"
How can you be waiting?
We are all waiting
I am hopeful,
I am in the line
I accept the fate
I hope I endure the rain and leave it behind
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Dreams
MY dreams are bigger than life. If that is possible… not. Ha i want to do so many things and meet so many people. It'll be a miracle if i can do it, but hey, who needs a miracle.
Aspirations (will update)
Travel
Have a kitten
Be an Anthropologist
Love deeply
Do more yoga
Do more hooping
Move
Stay
Become a tea pot
Be a barista forever
Leave negative people behind
Aspirations (will update)
Travel
Have a kitten
Be an Anthropologist
Love deeply
Do more yoga
Do more hooping
Move
Stay
Become a tea pot
Be a barista forever
Leave negative people behind
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